Hi guys, welcome to my space!
In this post, I’ll be talking about dealbreakers in dating. Everyone has something to say when it comes to unacceptable actions during the dating period. Dealbreakers have been at the centre of many tweets, debates, relationship blogs, articles and even the odd video on YouTube.
There is a big step between recognising a clear dealbreaker and actually taking enforceable action such as addressing the issue with the person you are dating or in the worst of cases, going ghost.
Personally, I have adopted a very discriminatory approach when it comes to dating. That doesn’t mean I’m picky…
There’s a clear difference between being picky and discriminatory. Being picky focuses more on the outer appearance (looks,possessions etc) while being discriminatory should encourage a person to focus on things such as character, family background, future aspirations etc.
So far, I have found that this approach is best. I’ve found that I’m very protective over who I give my time and my energy to. I wouldn’t encourage any woman to date every single man who shows her a bit of interest. Taking the time to actually see what you are dealing with is essential. Get to know each other and then the idea is that you use what you know to make an informed choice as to whether there will be a date. This kind of thinking saves so much time. In a year and a half of single life, I have briefly dated 3 people.
Although these experiences were brief, I am thankful for them because I was able to think long and hard about what I value in a potential partner. In this day and age, the sad reality is that the majority of people going out on dates really have no clue what they are looking for.
The Independent recently published an article claiming that single people will spend 96 million hours and £2 billion pounds on bad dates so maybe being discriminatory isn’t so bad after all…
Here are some things that I believe are dating dealbreakers:
As millennials, we do tend to make excuses when it comes to the regularity of communication during the talking stages/lead up to a date.
If someone asks you out on a date and you don’t hear from them until a few hours before the date, this is a definite red flag.
I am a firm believer in a guy registering his interest. If a man wants a woman, he will make it known and he will be consistent. If he really wants to get to know you and ultimately start dating you he will make an effort to communicate by phone and text and if he doesn’t do this then he’s just not that into you.
•Quality of conversation
Call me particular but the kind of conversations you are having with potentials are also important. I’m an intellectual and my preference is to engage in conversations where I talk about the world, politics, life…all that lovely stuff.
If a guy seems to talk about things that lack substance all the time then you might be wasting your time. A good way to see if you are is by talking to him about something that interests you and see how he responds. Being in the presence of someone who knows how to express themselves is enlightening. I’m not saying you should only date men who have the intellect of a motivational speaker but still, seek an effective communicator who can hold his own in a conversation. This may sound O.T.T but tracking his social media activity can give you a glimpse into his world and what matters most to him.
A huge dealbreaker! A man who does not respect those who are inferior/superior to him is a man that isn’t worth your time. Manners are needed in everyday life and if your potential can’t be nice to people around him then what makes you think he’s going to be nice to you? Also, pay attention to how he treats family and friends.
•Unemployment/Refusal to look for work
This is somewhat of a controversial dealbreaker because of the differing opinions and questions such as ‘What if he has all the qualities you look for in a man but he just hasn’t found his purpose yet?’
I don’t think a woman who is secure within herself and knows what she wants should date an unemployed man. If you are goal oriented and have high hopes for the future, then you should attract and want to be with a man who also wants these things. What you don’t want is to be a high flyer career wise and have a partner who stays indoors playing on his PS4 all day. We all make our own choices but when it comes to unemployed men, be VERY careful as the majority of them are out to shatter your dreams and that’s a fact.
Also be weary of guys who can’t give you a proper explanation of what they do for work. Don’t see money and status and get caught up when you have absolutely no clue how they are earning their money. You will end up finding out you have either worried about nothing (which is fine) or you will end up very embarrassed/humiliated when truths comes to light. Don’t take the risk.
Again, as women we spend far too much time looking for signs when they are right there in plain sight.Interest and effort go hand in hand. If there’s no interest, there’s no effort. It’s that simple. Don’t waste any time and thought space hoping that he will feel differently about you one day. If a guy wants to move things forward you will know and that’s when you are in a position to reciprocate what you are receiving (if you wish).
•Failure to be transparent or clear about what it is they want
Again, this is quite similar to interest but if they say they want one thing and do another (so if their actions aren’t matching their words) then it’s possible that they may be emotionally unavailable. Anyone taking you for a ride is not worth your time. Whether it’s fun or a serious relationship, you should always know where you stand after a significant amount of time. Don’t stay quiet for so long that you end up in a situationship. Know where you stand! All the time!
• Any negative self talk (you are too good for me, my ex was crazy and unstable or anything along those lines)
This dealbreaker should have most women running as far away as they can BUT still some of us can’t help but fall into this trap. If a man tells you that you are too good for him, the best thing you can do is believe him. He is subconsciously pre warning you of the possible hell, confusion, indecision and heartbreak he is planning to bring into your life. Girl, run, just run and don’t look back!
We’ve all bid people adieu in our lifetimes and sometimes saying goodbye does suck but if a guy can’t say anything nice about a previous partner, this is a major cause for concern and it won’t be long until you start to see why he has so many exes. Asking a guy how his previous relationship ended is a must. Aim to do this within 2-3 dates.
• Bad hygiene
Taking care of yourself is a necessity. Tasks such as showering, brushing your teeth, doing the laundry and eating the right foods are necessary for human survival and if your potential can’t take care of themselves, how do you expect them to take care of you?
If you continuously practice self love, then the idea is that your tolerance for the kind of men who commit the dealbreakers I have mentioned in this post will decrease. Remember that a man is not a project. It is NOT your job to fix, heal or coddle anybody’s son. Engrain your dating/relationship expectations in your head and stick to them like paper sticks
Personally, I would like to see my fellow millennial women making wise and informed choices. If you spend so much time looking after yourself (work, play, self care, business endeavours etc) then why would you allow someone to come into your life and turn your world upside down?
Don’t settle, what you are looking for is out there.
I hope you have enjoyed this post and feel free to let me know what your dating dealbreakers are. I’d love to hear from you.