Operation ‘Build-A-Man’ Needs To Be Cancelled

Before I start, I would just like to say that this post is not an attack on any woman who has helped her partner or a potential partner in any way: whether financially, emotionally etc. In life, I believe that we all make decisions based on what we feel and what we believe is right.

In this post, I’m going to be talking about what I call ‘Operation Build-A-Man’ and why I believe it should be terminated with immediate effect. Two people can come together and build together, (that is the expectation), but it isn’t a woman’s job to build, heal, fix, repair or mould anybody’s son and if there are any men reading this, you will probably say that the same goes for women.

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Building someone UP and building WITH someone are two completely different things. In order to build with someone, they need to have potential and they need to be progressive. There is no point of saying you want to achieve certain goals if you aren’t prepared to actively work towards achieving them. On the other hand, building someone UP is pretty similar to building a house. There’s no vision, no plan, you are starting with a plain surface almost. Building someone up in a world where roles, responsibilities and actions are at the core of our being is one of the most draining things a woman can endure.

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In the book The Four Agreements, the author Don Miguel Ruiz, said something that stuck in my mind. He says that as people we are happy as we are and we need to realise this about other people too. If we can’t accept anybody as they are, we need to let go. Looking at someone and thinking ‘If only they expressed themselves more, If I spoke less, maybe they’d naturally become more ambitious/goal driven’ will bring you nothing but frustration and dissatisfaction.

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The truth is like a buffet, everything you need to see is right in front of you. Recognise your worth and don’t jump into situations for the sake of it. What is meant for you will not pass you by.

Here are some tips that I’d like to share with you in the hope that you don’t find yourself in a dating situation or relationship where you are giving a lot more than you are receiving:

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Get to know who you really are (likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses…THE LOT) before you put yourself out there. In a previous post, Musings of an Introvert, I talk about the quiz I took which lead to me finding out I was an INFJ. If you don’t know what your personality type is, I recommend taking the quiz or any other personality based quiz that is expert approved. 

Another thing I recommend is finding out what your love language is. The five love languages are different ways in which love can be expressed and experienced. Your love language will help you understand yourself better and will also allow you to be clear about what you expect in relationships, whether they are newly formed or whether they are in existence.

Be friends first! Be friends first! For the love of our sweet Lord, if that man is meant for you, he won’t go anywhere. Relationships are rushed into so quickly these days, and they crash just as fast. I was watching an episode of Oprah’s Masterclass and Cindy Crawford was talking about marriage and she said that the one thing she realised was that love is best rooted in friendship. I remember repeating this to myself time and time again because it was just so true. Being friends first allows both of you to build a solid connection. You get a good idea of what the person you are dating is about and you will be able to identify any warning signs because you (hopefully) won’t have caught feelings.

Working on yourself and understanding that a real relationship is about being with someone who compliments you, not someone who completes you. So what if your friends are in a relationship every six months and you’ve been single for almost a year? It really doesn’t matter. Look at the positives. This is your time. This is your time to live your best life and work on being the woman that you were destined to become. 

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Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed this post.

Don’t forget to like and subscribe and tell your friends about my space.

Kel xo

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  • Steph J. Millz
    March 13, 2018

    Well said.

  • Diva Named Dom
    March 13, 2018

    WHYYYY can’t I like this thrice?!
    I’m a former man builder. Along my self discovery journey, it dawned on me that I’m nobody’s mother and I don’t have to take on responsibility for my mate as one. It’s a struggle dating for that very reason, but I’d rather be alone and happy than running on a treadmill and going no where fast in a relationship.
    Awesome post.
    Dom. | http://www.DivaNamedDom.com

    • Its Kelle's Space
      March 13, 2018

      Wow! I have to say that I admire your honesty.
      A lot of females are man builders and are suffering an extreme case of denial.
      After almost two years of being single, it’s a struggle for me too but as you said, it’s better to be alone than with someone who is making you unhappy and just isn’t that into you.
      Thanks so much for your comment Hun.

  • Jylisha
    March 14, 2018

    Amazing post, I love this. After my dating encounters I’ve come to realise I am a man builder, a lover of the emotionally unavailable man/the guy who can’t get himself together haaaa, this is a growing trend in people, we as a society have been so dependant on other people to make us ok instead of making ourselves ok.. My theory too on why we struggle so much in love.

    • Its Kelle's Space
      March 14, 2018

      Hey Jylisha, thanks so much for your comment.
      I am glad that you have come to the conclusion that you are a man builder because many women don’t do you should be proud of yourself. Yes, I agree in that it’s a growing trend and I think women should focus on themselves first instead of building a man because once your love for yourself is so strong, you won’t even entertain anyone who isn’t worth of your time.
      Again, thanks for sharing your opinion and your personal experience too.

  • mihrank
    March 14, 2018

    stunning, magical post – well detailed and greatly presented!!

  • misschissyblog
    March 17, 2018

    this is a post every woman ought to read but unfortunately not all can accept that regardless. sure reminds me of ”woman who think a man can change if they hang in there a little longer. Very interesting post…i enjoyed reading it

  • driftyness
    March 18, 2018

    Oh wow, I’ve definitely had those thoughts of “if only he was more [insert quality here]”! I didn’t think I was a man builder, but now I’m not so sure. It’s a slippery slope. Trying so hard not to fall for someone’s “potential.” It’s such a good way to get disappointed.
    & about being friends first, I think that’s an ideal situation, but how do you do that if you’re dating online? Everybody (me included) seems so focused on the romantic part of things and it’s like you never really have a lot of time to get to know someone before things go further or you/they lose interest. Dating today is so weird.

    • Its Kelle's Space
      March 18, 2018

      With someone you meet online, use the same approach. This is what I’d recommend because you are still getting to know that person. Calls, texts, all forms of communication are key to be honest.
      Think about what it is you expect from a partner and stick to those standards.
      It’s hard but you must always be true to yourself.

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Operation ‘Build-A-Man’ Needs To Be Cancelled