I think we have all become familiar with the term ‘men are trash’ by now. Horrible dating and relationship experiences have almost become the norm in our society. It seems like there’s never a shortage of tales, and the common factor is usually how unaware the female is that all may not be well. If you clicked on this post because you are wondering why you may always fall for the wrong guy, then look no further:
Conditioning – Hatred towards men is a definitely a problem at this moment in time. The ‘men in trash’ movement has amassed many followers, and on online platforms particularly, women are being conditioned to believe that no good can ever come from a man. There are men out there who put women through some terrible experiences, but there are also men out there who are capable of loving their partners and treating them right. Don’t allow society, the media or anyone else to have you believing that there’s no good men out there. Program your mind to affirm that one day, you will have the relationship you truly desire. When you’ve been single a while, it is hard to maintain a sense of hope (trust me, I know) but using the season in your life to get to know yourself a bit better. Another way you can avoid conditioning is to monitor what it is you’re taking in. Surround yourself with things that are uplifting and that give you something to look forward to. If there is anything that is making you feel like you aren’t worthy of love, addressing any issues you may have is paramount.
Childhood experiences – It takes a lot to admit that certain things learnt during childhood may be playing a role in the kind of relationships you have. The truth is that childhood experiences could play a role in the type of partner you attract. For example, if you have grown up in a home where a parent has been ill (for example), and you had to be their carer then it’s likely that you may seek relationships where you can fulfil a carer type role. The trouble with these types of relationships is that one party feels fulfilled, while the other does not (the other is you), so being able to identify any behaviours that have been carried from childhood to adulthood is important. This will help you develop a sound understanding of what you should be looking for in a partner. You’ll also be able to avoid being something you are not: a fixer, healer, saviour or anything of that kind. I’ve touched on this in a previous post, which you can find here.
Lack of self esteem – Probably one of the biggest reasons why women find themselves in crappy situations. A lot of women are seeking things from men that they should be giving to themselves! A lack of self-esteem or self-worth will have you entertaining people you shouldn’t even be giving a second to. There’s no formula to having amazing self-esteem: even the most confident person in the world has days when they are feeling blah, but before you get into a relationship, work on your perception of self. Authenticity is key, and you should always be yourself with whoever you encounter. Dating or getting into a relationship where you feel like you have to be someone else is exhausting. You will eventually lose your sense of self. Once you become your own authentic self, you’ll be able to recognise when someone else isn’t being authentic! A big mistake some females make is changing their personality on every date they go on because they’re afraid of putting any potential love interests off. This isn’t the way to do it. Be yourself, know your worth and add tax!
Not knowing what it is you want in a partner – It’s not enough to know that you want a partner, knowing what you are looking for is equally as important. Some people are able to discern their requirements the moment they meet someone, but for others this may take time. Writing a list is a way of identifying values, characteristics and other traits that you may desire. For example, if you want children, you’d naturally like a partner who is good with children or who is family oriented (be sure to look for the proof in the pudding, don’t just take their word for it). Another way of finding out what it is you’d like in a significant other is to write down your own characteristics. Remember, any partner you have should compliment you, and not complete you. Getting to know yourself better gives you an idea of what you will/will not stand for. Deal breakers are also a part of this process. Every woman should have deal breakers, and they should ALWAYS apply (no matter how wonderful the person you are dating is).
Making yourself easily available – One of the biggest lessons out there is the importance of being your own person. When you don’t really know who you are, or you have no vision or goals, it’s so easy to be swept off your feet at an instant. We have all been in situations where we’ve met a guy and thought he was the best thing since sliced bread, then we become enamoured with our ”discovery” and all of a sudden, everything in our lives comes to a halt. There’s a link between desperation and making yourself easily available. If you want me to write about this in another post, I can, but in the meantime you can read more about this here. For some men, dating is all about power and control. Being mindful of a guy’s behaviour in the early stages is so important. You could find yourself being told sweet nothings on the first date, but by the fifth he has already started being verbally abusive. Not all dating situations are like this, of course, which is why being mindful and listening to your gut is vital.
Ignoring red flags – Red flags never go away. When one pops up, another one will usually appear. One thing I would definitely say women have got to stop doing is ignoring them. It’s funny how a clear sign that you shouldn’t be involved with a person will actually spur you on to elevate your union: if he’s standoffish, you may decide to be more affectionate or if he has a temper, you’ll start to walk on egg shells in order to ”limit” the chances of an outburst. All this is just so wrong. There’s a certain level of discomfort that arises when a red flag appears. Focus on the fact that this person doesn’t make you feel good, use that to remove yourself from the situation so you can move on with your life. Ignoring red flags is like subliminally telling the person you are with that they can treat you anyhow, and you won’t go anywhere. These kinds of relationships never end well because one person has become so used to being the perpetrator and the victim will be in a state of shock, as well as left with a whole lot of healing to do! So ladies, stop ignoring the warning signs!
Allowing the views of others to influence you – Whenever you are offered guidance or counsel in any area of your life, it is up to you whether you take it or not. You may decide that some things you’ve been told aren’t aligned with your needs and values and that’s OK! When it comes to relationships, everyone has something to say! Most of us have conditioned ourselves to throw our two cents into what people should or shouldn’t be doing and that’s a fact. In a world where everyone seems to have a solution, don’t forget to check in with yourself! This isn’t being selfish because nobody knows what’s right for you more than you do! Additionally, not allowing the situations of others to influence your decisions is also key. Remember that people only show you what they want you to see. Do you remember this post? The inspiration behind it was a story I read on Twitter where a young lady wasn’t attracted to a guy she was talking to but went out with him anyway. You should never go out with someone just for the sake of it. See things for what they are! Just ask yourself whether you are dating because you want to or whether it’s because you’ve given in to societal pressures.
Unrealistic expectations – In your mind, you’ve probably created this image of the perfect guy for you. Let’s face it, we all have. It’s nice to be able to reflect on what’s important to you in your search for a partner, but make sure you are being realistic. For example, demanding that your future partner likes every TV show that you do. That’s an unrealistic expectation. You will (and should) have things in common with anyone you date, but something as trivial as choice in TV shows isn’t important. Same goes for hobbies, taste in food etc. First and foremost, the main point of attraction should be character. Being with someone who is of good character is something every woman should want (in addition to everything else). Another side to unrealistic expectations is expecting too much from the person you are with. If the relationship you are in is right for you, things will flow naturally. When expectations are too heavy, your relationship could be placed in disaster’s way. Being able to feel an element of satisfaction in a relationship is vital to it’s success. What you don’t want to do is spend your time thinking and wishing so many things were different. Take it from me and focus on what actually matters.
I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this post! As always, I love to hear from you all! Why do you think women choose the wrong men? Do leave a comment below. Also, if you would like me to write about a particular relationship-related topic, let me know.
As I have always said, I’m not an expert. All I’m doing is sharing my experiences and viewpoints with you all.