The Trouble With Dating In 2018

In this post, Josh, a relationship blogger, will be talking about what he believes are the challenges of dating in 2018. Although It’s Kelle’s Space is a blog aimed at women, I think it’s refreshing to have a man’s perspective on the topic of love and relationships. I hope you all enjoy reading this post as much as I did.

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Unrealistic Expectations

One of the biggest dating challenges in this society is unrealistic expectations. I think that a lot of people want to experience the love they see in the movies and on social media and expect it to happen immediately. Some people are almost oblivious to the fact that true love is a process, not an entitlement. You cannot find or maintain great relationships, they are built over time. Unrealistic expectations make finding true love challenging because people are looking for perfection and not suitability or potential.

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Unlimited Options

Dating apps becoming more and more popular, so there’s no denying that people on the dating scene are spoilt for choice. The option to date as many people as you want without having to commit has an instant appeal. All you need to do is swipe right or click ‘like’. The fact that dating has become so trivial is definitely to blame for people feeling entitled, in my opinion. Nobody seems to actually think about what they want first, before they put themselves out there.

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The Wrong Focus

Too much emphasis has been placed on looks or perception, and with the rise of social media, this is only set to get worse. We live in a society that is obsessed with looks. We are constantly told how to maintain our looks and also how to improve things we are not happy about. The world is teaching us that as long as you look great on the outside, you will be fine, but whatever happened to making sure we are beautiful on the inside too? Physical attraction will always fade away so it’s important to seek substance so you can connect with someone beyond a physical level.

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Final thoughts

Finding the relationship of your dreams is possible. What you want does exist! Patience and timing are everything. Also, remember that it’s just as important for you to mirror the qualities/traits you would like in a significant other. Have something to bring to the table. We all go through different seasons in life and this is why it’s important to know what you want. You may be ready to settle but you may get a completely different vibe from the person you are dating.

You can’t hold on to anyone who doesn’t want to be held. Don’t compromise on your self worth and respect just because you want someone to lay next to at night. Actions do speak louder than words, so pay attention to what you see. The eyes don’t deceive. Commit to the person who is on the same level as you and wants the things you want in life and love. Find someone that accepts you the way you are and is willing to build something solid with you. This kind of relationship is truly worth the wait.

Waiting is never easy, whether you are single or dating, so use this period in your life to focus on being the best person you can be so when the time does come for you to settle, you are ready.

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I hope you have enjoyed this post.

You can follow Josh on Twitter.

Josh is also ½ of the Rants and Talks podcast

If you are on Twitter, you can join in the conversation every Sunday at 8pm.

Kel xo

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Open Marriages: Do or Don’t?

Once again, the discussion surrounding open marriages has been reignited. Singer Teyana Taylor recently caused controversy when she revealed that she has had threesomes with her basketball player husband, Iman Shumpert. The relevation was made on a song from her new album, K.T.S.E, titled ‘3Way’. As a avid user of Twitter, I couldn’t help but read the tweets in response to this revelation. While many users seemed to disagree with what Taylor defines as a ‘no limits’ marriage, some people embraced the idea of having an open marriage as a whole.

This post is a collaboration with fellow blogger and v-logger Wini Boansi. We both have different views on the subject of an open marriage.

I DISAGREE with the idea of an open marriage and I will tell you why…

Marriage is a sacred union involving two people, and when God created marriage, that’s what exactly He intended it to be. Two people come together, celebrate their love and promise to honour each other until death parts them. That’s what marriage is. Marriage is challenging enough with two people in it, so can you imagine the impending disaster that would inevitably come from adding a third person into the mix? In her explosive 1995 interview with Panaroma, Princess Diana, when asked about the breakdown of her marriage to Prince Charles, said ‘ Well, there were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded’. There’s no denying that monogamy is the foundation of a successful marriage. Once one person has been unfaithful, the whole relationship is immediately in jeopardy. While some couples may be able to pull off having an open marriage, there’s no denying it is a high risk proposition.

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Love and commitment should be the foundation of any relationship, whether it’s a  partnership or a marriage. A lack of trust is like a broken mirror, it can be fixed but you can still see the cracks. Despite the difficulties of marriage, it has stood the test of time. There are many wonderful examples of couples who have made it work, so why is marriage being redefined? In my opinion, an open marriage is a free pass to cheat. It is a selfish decision which is usually enforced by one party, as they relish the opportunity to do who and what they please. Due to external influences such as social media, our moral climate is shifting, but please, let’s not act like marriage is whatever we want to make it.

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Wini Boansi AGREES with the idea of an open marriage and she explains why…

When people live their lives differently to ours, everyone goes into attack mode. Sexual liberation has almost become a phenomenon in our society. Women are definitely able to live their lives and do as they please with their bodies, however, when a woman comes out to say that her and her husband have an open marriage and they are happy, all of a sudden our support for women’s rights to make their own decisions go out of the window. The comedian Mo’Nique was criticised when she revealed she was in an open marriage.

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I can understand why some people detest the idea of an open marriage, however restricting the liberation of others is closed minded in a sense. It really isn’t our business how couples chose to spice up their marriages. Marriage is all about love, respect, understanding and building a life with the partner of your choice. If that couple fulfils all of the mentioned traits and they have a mutual agreement that allows them to have sexual relations with others, what is the problem?

Clearly their marriage and sexual choices were discussed prior to marriage, and both parties are comfortable with this set up. If this wasn’t the case, then I could understand where the uproar is coming from. In other words, if you were not keen on the idea of an open marriage, then you simply wouldn’t marry someone that wanted one, right?

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Some people pick and chose which openly married couple they want to be outraged about. Age does not matter, when it comes to being in an open relationship. We all have different sexual desires that need catering to. The most important thing is that openly married couples practice safe and consensual sex. Open marriages were a thing in the past and we should understand that everyone’s idea of what a marriage should be like will be different. What’s to say that openly married couples aren’t 100% happy with their situation? An open marriage celebrates sexual liberation while still allowing a loving couple to be united. If this does become the new norm in marriage then who are we to judge?

Thanks for reading this post. As always, I love to hear from the readers of It’s Kelle’s Space. What are your views on open marriage? Would you have an open marriage? Or do you think the whole idea is a no no?

I asked my Twitter followers what they thought in a poll and this is the result so far:

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Kel xo

The Single Life: Do’s And Don’ts

I’ve already written a few posts about relationships

For this post, I’ve decided to do something different. I’ve collaborated with bloggers and they are going to share some pearls of wisdom with you in regards to the single life. The reason why I decided to do this is to let you all know that single life is what you want it to be, not what society says.

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I’ve asked each blogger who has contributed to share one ‘DO’ and one ‘DON’T’.

I hope you enjoy this post!

Liv at It’s Not A Trumpet –

DO – Spend more time ‘creating yourself’ by discovering new things, going out with friends, being experimental with your look, taking time to truly know yourself and what you want out of life, then find a person who matches that.

DON’T– Be too clingy with friends who are in relationships just because you’re not not in one. Respect the fact that they need space and time to connect with their other half so don’t get offended or possessive when they decide to spend a little time with their partner rather than you.

Chrissie at Vamp It Up Manchester –

DO – Rather than putting all of your energy into trying to find the right partner, join fun groups and explore hobbies so you are growing and meeting like minded people. They might be one of them!

DON’T – Keep compromising on dates, like a sudden change of destination, or waiting for ages if they are late and uncommunicative or if they aren’t dressed appropriately. What you are (and aren’t) willing to accept on dates pretty much sets the standard for how that person will continue to treat you.

Jan at U Can Crate

DO – Learn to love your body and understand your own sexuality. You know what I mean ladies, explore yourself and get to know what you need.

DON’T – Put up with shit men. If you get bad vibes, get out. Oh and if they treat the waiter badly, bin them off.

Kat at The Creative Wedding Fair –

DO – Find things which make you happy. Rediscover old hobbies, check out new bands, watch those guilty pleasure shows on Netflix, spend time chilling out with friends, take some classes, travel – make amazing memories which centre around yourself. Just because you’re single it doesn’t mean that you can’t have fun, if anything it gives you free reign to go out and find exactly what makes you tick.

DON’T – Feel pressured to find someone else. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single, in fact it’s kind of amazing, so there is no rush to find Mr or Mrs right. But don’t be afraid to date either, it can be a lot of fun meeting new people and seeing what is out there, just keep it light and don’t put too much pressure on settling down. You’ve all the time in the world. Besides, you will know when you’ve found The One.

 Jennie at Travel To Recovery –

DO – Travel. I often get told “I cant go travelling because I am single” I am not sure if they are worried about safety or not having support but being single is totally the best time to go travelling you can do what you want when you want with no silly arguments. If still worried about travelling alone hook up with another single friend or even join group travel its amazing. I am actually so glad I am single that I can travel when and where I want.

DON’T – Go on a romantic holiday if you are single.

Charlotte at Memoirs and Musings –

DO – Travel solo.

DON’T – Go back to your ex. It’s like opening a wound and expecting it not to hurt.

Emma at Carpe Diem Emmie –

DO – Cry and eat lots of chocolate!

DON’T – Fall in the bed of another person, it’ll only confuse you.

Clare at The Money Freak

DO – Build up a reliable network of friends to talk to.

DON’T – Think your worth is based on being in a relationship.

Sarah at The S Road

DO – Be selfish and put yourself first. Develop your existing hobbies or start new ones. Go on holiday on your own. Spend loads of time with your friends and family. Enjoy it!

DON’T – Wait for a partner to go on holiday to that amazing destination. It’ll be just as amazing alone! Don’t think your life will magically change with a partner. Don’t listen to anyone else’s opinion about when you should be in a relationship.

Sophie at Wife, Mother, Life –

 DO – Travel, don’t hang about, go have that mad adventure you’ve always dreamed of!

DON’T – Settle! Don’t settle for the partner that doesn’t get you, wait. Learn to love yourself and let that become the standard that prospective partners need to surpass.

Victoria at Our Life On Sea –

DO – Surround yourself with good friends so you have someone close to call and talk through things, someone you can pop into for dinner and share your day with.

DON’T – Stay at home alone – join classes, the gym or volunteer. 

Cristina at Criddle Me This –

DO – All the things you love. Spend time pampering yourself, enjoying hobbies and getting to know how fabulous you are single again.

DON’T– Look back. It’s so hard but until you realise it’s over, you will never move on.

Annelies at The Frugal Frenchie –

DO – Learn to embrace and love yourself, you don’t need a partner to feel good!.

DON’T – Fall into a relationship where it’s all give and no take. Relationships must be based upon equality otherwise it’ll wear you down, know your worth!.

Luan at A Life Of Lovely

DO – Spend time exploring new hobbies and enjoy new things.

DON’T – Rush into another relationship. You can be happy single.

Signs It’s Time To End A Relationship

I was originally going to call this post ‘ 5 Signs You Need To End A Relationship’ but on reflection, there are more than five signs you’ll need to take into consideration if you are thinking about ending your relationship. In this post, I’m going to share what I believe are relationship deal breakers. Please bare in mind that I’m no relationship guru: I’m just speaking from experience and the experiences of those around me. I hope you enjoy this post.

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Abuse is involved

Abuse shows itself in many forms. Whether it’s mental, physical, psychological or verbal: nobody should tolerate abuse of any kind from their partner. Think of a relationship as you would a friendship. You wouldn’t expect your friend to hurt you, so why would you let your partner? If you are a victim of abuse, please do what you can to get out. Speak to someone you trust, go and stay with a family member if you don’t live at home. Protect yourself at all costs.

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No compatability

I think that the reason why many relationships fail these days is due to a lack of compatability. Before you take any significant steps, make sure you and your partner get along! Personally, I wouldn’t put a time limit on checking whether you are compatible with your partner but there are always signs and if the majority of them show up in the form of a red flag, it’s time to leave. Staying in a relationship where compatability levels are non existent will leave you  frustrated, angry and emotionally drained. In order for compatability to be present in your relationship, you need to understand each other, enjoy each other’s company and make your relationship a safe haven for each other.

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Insecurities

An insecure partner is a toxic partner. Fair enough, we may all have small insecurities but when insecurities are magnified in a relationship, trouble is sure on it’s way. The thing about insecurities is that at first you may think your partner is being sweet or considerate towards you but when numerous questions about where you’re going, who you are seeing and snide remarks start taking centre place: you know you have a big problem on your hands. Another sign of insecurity to look out for is the need for constant reassurance about your relationship. Ultimately, if your partner refuses to accept the detrimental role their insecurities are playing in your relationship, it’s time to let go.

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Bad Behaviour

Bad behaviour is a non negotiable. You represent your partner and vice versa so if they behave poorly, it is highly unlikely that your relationship will be a success. Bad behaviour comes in many shapes and forms: whether its speaking to you rudely, being unpleasant to those who are inferior or superior…it’s all a huge no no. Do not date anyone who doesn’t have a good character. It sounds simple, yes, BUT there are many people out there who are on this continuous wheel of justification, forever making excuses for trashy behaviour. Don’t do it, just walk away.

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Too many arguments 

Every couple have their disagreements but if you are arguing all the time and you just can’t seem to find common ground, it’s time to walk away. There’s a difference between a disagreement and an argument and I think it depends on the individuals involved. Understanding is key. Being empathetic is even more important because its important to make sure you and your partner understand the root cause of your issue. Pay attention to how your partner handles arguments: do they listen to what you have to say or do they always insist on having the last say? If it’s the latter, then they have no regard for your feelings and you should never be with someone who you are clearly not on the same page with.

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Poor communication

Communication is such an important part of a relationship. Without it, no relationship can survive. In a relationship, you should be able to communicate effectively with your partner and vice versa. If you constantly feel like you have to hold your tongue or that your views don’t matter, then you are in the wrong relationship. Communication strengthens the levels of trust, honesty and respect in your relationship. Communication can also stop needless arguments too. Don’t be with someone who will cut you off at every opportunity. No relationship can survive on ‘I love you’s’ alone. Don’t settle for a poor communicator.

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So these are my signs that it’s time to end a relationship. Of course, there are so many more and feel free to leave a comment with your relationship dealbreakers below.

This will be my last post of the month. I’m going to take a small hiatus from IKS but if you would like to stay connected throughout the month of May, you can follow me on Twitter

Kel xo 

 

I’m Hosting An #AMAFeed This Weekend

This Saturday at 8pm, I’ll be hosting my first AMA (Ask Me Anything) feed.

An AMA event is a online platform where anyone can raise awareness of the things that they care about the most. As you know, I’m very passionate about all things lifestyle, wellbeing and beauty related, I will be answering questions in those areas but feel free to submit any other questions you may have too.

All you need to do is submit your questions here.

Please use the link I have provided above to submit your questions and I will be answering them on the AMA site – I’ll also share the answers on my Twitter page.

Kel xo

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10 Things You Can Do To Reinvent Yourself After A Break Up

 I’ve written quite a few posts about relationships and life as a single woman and its been amazing to read your comments, whether you’re sharing your own personal experiences or an opinion, its so appreciated.

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This is another relationship related post BUT it is a little different than what I’ve done before… I have joined forces with the lovely Wini Boansi to share tips on how you can reinvent yourself after a breakup. Wini is a content creator/writer and blogger (like myself) and she’s also a vlogger too! – don’t forget to subscribe to her channel.

Wini and I came up with the idea for this post as we felt that a lot of young women would be inspired. I think that we live in a time where too much emphasis is put on the environmental aspect of getting over a break up (e.g: don’t listen to sad songs) but I think that getting over a break up lies in reinvention. Reinvention is essential because you’re not the same person once you’ve had your heart broken or experienced a disappointment, so looking within is a must…

How to reinvent yourself after a breakup by Wini

READ

Knowledge is power so taking in useful information and tips (such as what you are currently reading) is definitely a step in the right direction. Read books, blogs, forums, articles etc. on various ways you can overcome a break-up. Alexandra Redcay’s talk on selecting the right relationship is a real eye opener.

After a previous breakup, I realised that I was not confident about myself. Coincidentally I stumbled across a blog and the owner of the blog had written a book entitled Men Don’t Love Women Like You .The title is bizarre I know, however the book provides multiple ways on how to become confident within yourself, as well as tips to use when you are ready to start dating again. (I promise you that this book is empowering and has done wonders for me!)

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NEW HOBBY

Definitely pick up a new hobby. Were you thinking about getting involved with yoga? Do your research and find out where the nearest yoga class is! Into make up? Why not kick-start that blog or YouTube channel that you’ve been contemplating about for the past 6 months? Now is the time to preoccupy your time and mind with a hobby that compliments the new you.

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Whatever new hobby you take on, make sure it is something that adds positivity and value to your life. Make sure it puts a smile on your face and excites you. Even if it is something you have not previously thought about doing, what’s the harm in trying something new? Step outside of your comfort zone.

PAMPER YOURSELF

Breakups may not always end badly, however, the fact of the matter is that you are no longer in a relationship with someone you once cared for. During this time, you may feel low or very reflective about the situation. Rather than staying fixated on what could have been, try to do little things to make you feel good.

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Below is a list of a few ways:

A trip to the nail shop

Cook or order in your favourite food

Relaxing bath

Spa Day/Weekend

COMMUNICATION

Communication is key. During a breakup you may experience emotions that you’ve never felt before. Talking to someone can make a difference. Confide in someone you trust: it can be a family member, friend, a professional or it might even be with a stranger that you cross paths with while on your travels… you never know. For those of you who are more introverted why not try writing a journal? You will gain confidence in expressing your thoughts and feelings in various ways.

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  MINDFULNESS & MEDITATION

Mindfulness and meditation can help you to manage your emotions and thoughts after a breakup. 

Acknowledging how you feel about the situation, and not suppressing your emotions is key. You need to understand why you feel the way that you do, and if while meditating you can’t quite understand why, try writing down how you feel, exactly how it comes to mind.

Although we may have no control over the breakup, we do have control on how we allow the break up to affect us. Doing a simple thing such as closing your eyes and focusing on your breathing, your feelings and thoughts, is key to overcoming your breakup.

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If at anytime you are feeling tempted to react harshly/negatively close your eyes and meditate on that idea. Reflect on what the possible consequences of reacting that way may be, and try to find a compassionate way of dealing with the situation. Forgiveness is not compulsory, but if you feel that it may be the best way to let go of any hostile feelings, use mindfulness and meditation to aid that decision.

How to reinvent yourself after a breakup by Kelle

PRAY

Prayer has provided me with so much clarity since my break up. If you don’t pray, then alternatively you can practice meditation instead. Prayer allows you to open yourself up spirituality, without a fear of judgement or condemnation. When you pray, I would advise that you be completely honest with yourself. Tell God how you are really feeling, after all, he is your Father and he will comfort you through good times and bad times.

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I remember watching a T.D Jakes sermon about a week after I had moved back home. Everything he was saying related to what I went through and I remember trying to be so strong, taking it all in but within seconds I started to cry. I realised that I needed that outlet, so to add to Wini’s earlier point, if you need to cry, cry. If you need to shout, scream, kick, break: just do it. It’s all a part of the healing process which will allow you to move on with your life.

SOCIALISE

This is always a challenging one because women especially are taught to stay indoors, eat the biggest box of chocolates and watch romantic movies until the tears start falling. It’s time to get rid of this way of thinking because it does more harm than good. Now is the time to keep yourself busy. Becoming single (especially if it’s sudden) will shock your system and you’ll find you have a lot of spare time on your hands so socialising is essential.

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Meet up with that friend you haven’t seen in a few months, visit your favourite restaurant, go to the library, attend workshops related to areas you may be interested in, take a class at the gym instead of using equipment all the time…the opportunities for socialising are endless. Get yourself out there, don’t hide. You are entering a new chapter in your life and you should do it with your head held high. I’m not saying you should go out every weekend or fill up your diary, monitor your social activities and of course, if it does become overwhelming, take a step back. There’s nothing wrong with a nice glass of wine, good food and Netflix.

LOOK WITHIN

I’ve discussed looking within in my posts: Operation Build A Man and Musings Of An Introvert. This is something that some women fail to do. In the minds of some women, it is always the man’s fault. This type of thinking is very unhealthy because you won’t be able to reflect and evaluate your behaviour in your relationship. Honesty IS the best policy and it’s not conducive to what we tell others, we also have to be honest with ourselves too!

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You may decide to identify your personality type. I found out I’m an INFJ and I have to say, this has helped me understand myself a great deal. You can also write down things you like about yourself and what you think could be improved on. In addition to getting to know yourself better, you have to take a look around you. Are you surrounding yourself with people who bring out the best in you? Are your circle positive, uplifting and supportive?

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I would really encourage women out there who have gone through a difficult break up to self evaluate. As mentioned earlier, you won’t be the same person you were before: your character will change, you will have new needs/expectations/goals in life and in personal relationships, so keep an open mind. The ‘I Am Who I Am’ complex is self destructive and will not do you any favours.

DECLUTTER

Invest in something that improves your space and enhances your wellbeing. I’m not saying you have to remodel your home or redesign your room but there are little things that you can do to improve your surroundings. Do you have things that you want to give to charity? Would a book organiser be a welcome addition to your table? Is there an old computer or stereo that you need to get rid of? If the answer is yes, then take action because it has been psychologically proven that cleaning improves mental and physical health.

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Reinventing yourself after a breakup (especially a difficult one) isn’t easy but you are in control of the healing process. Take steps to work towards a happier, healthier and more confident you. No situation is permanent and you have the ability to bounce back from any setback life brings to your door. Think positive, be positive.

I hope you enjoyed this post guys and as always, feel free to leave a comment below. Also, don’t forget to like and subscribe to Wini’s blog, channel (there are links at the top of the post) and to IKS

I created a thread on Twitter last year about getting over a break up which can be found here

Kel xo

Operation ‘Build-A-Man’ Needs To Be Cancelled

Before I start, I would just like to say that this post is not an attack on any woman who has helped her partner or a potential partner in any way: whether financially, emotionally etc. In life, I believe that we all make decisions based on what we feel and what we believe is right.

In this post, I’m going to be talking about what I call ‘Operation Build-A-Man’ and why I believe it should be terminated with immediate effect. Two people can come together and build together, (that is the expectation), but it isn’t a woman’s job to build, heal, fix, repair or mould anybody’s son and if there are any men reading this, you will probably say that the same goes for women.

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Building someone UP and building WITH someone are two completely different things. In order to build with someone, they need to have potential and they need to be progressive. There is no point of saying you want to achieve certain goals if you aren’t prepared to actively work towards achieving them. On the other hand, building someone UP is pretty similar to building a house. There’s no vision, no plan, you are starting with a plain surface almost. Building someone up in a world where roles, responsibilities and actions are at the core of our being is one of the most draining things a woman can endure.

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In the book The Four Agreements, the author Don Miguel Ruiz, said something that stuck in my mind. He says that as people we are happy as we are and we need to realise this about other people too. If we can’t accept anybody as they are, we need to let go. Looking at someone and thinking ‘If only they expressed themselves more, If I spoke less, maybe they’d naturally become more ambitious/goal driven’ will bring you nothing but frustration and dissatisfaction.

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The truth is like a buffet, everything you need to see is right in front of you. Recognise your worth and don’t jump into situations for the sake of it. What is meant for you will not pass you by.

Here are some tips that I’d like to share with you in the hope that you don’t find yourself in a dating situation or relationship where you are giving a lot more than you are receiving:

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Get to know who you really are (likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses…THE LOT) before you put yourself out there. In a previous post, Musings of an Introvert, I talk about the quiz I took which lead to me finding out I was an INFJ. If you don’t know what your personality type is, I recommend taking the quiz or any other personality based quiz that is expert approved. 

Another thing I recommend is finding out what your love language is. The five love languages are different ways in which love can be expressed and experienced. Your love language will help you understand yourself better and will also allow you to be clear about what you expect in relationships, whether they are newly formed or whether they are in existence.

Be friends first! Be friends first! For the love of our sweet Lord, if that man is meant for you, he won’t go anywhere. Relationships are rushed into so quickly these days, and they crash just as fast. I was watching an episode of Oprah’s Masterclass and Cindy Crawford was talking about marriage and she said that the one thing she realised was that love is best rooted in friendship. I remember repeating this to myself time and time again because it was just so true. Being friends first allows both of you to build a solid connection. You get a good idea of what the person you are dating is about and you will be able to identify any warning signs because you (hopefully) won’t have caught feelings.

Working on yourself and understanding that a real relationship is about being with someone who compliments you, not someone who completes you. So what if your friends are in a relationship every six months and you’ve been single for almost a year? It really doesn’t matter. Look at the positives. This is your time. This is your time to live your best life and work on being the woman that you were destined to become. 

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Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed this post.

Don’t forget to like and subscribe and tell your friends about my space.

Kel xo

5 Signs It’s Time To End A Friendship

This post is pretty self explanatory to be honest. As we get older, our circle of friends will increase or decrease. It’s so important to have a strong friendship support system: one that encourages, supports and uplifts you at all times.

Here are five signs that it’s time to walk away from a friendship:

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1) One sided friendships

Your time, energy and space is so precious so make time for people who make time for you. If they are constantly cancelling plans or not texting or phoning you on a fairly regular basis, then you need to reconsider your friendship. Yes, we are all busy with life. Yes, we all have responsibilities BUT we will make time for the people we want to be around, so don’t be fooled. What you’re giving and what you’re getting should level up in your friendship.

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2) Terrible behaviour

This is one of the biggest friendship killers. If your friend gossips about you, they can’t be trusted. If your friend does things they know will hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable then they are not your friend. It’s up to you to create a threshold for tolerance – once anyone gets over it, you need to cut them out. As with relationships, set the standard for friendships too. Be open, be understanding, be forgiving but do not be a doormat. Without trust, there can be no friendship. If your friend is ‘stanning’ for you in your face but doing the opposite when your back is turned then they are not your friend. Keep it moving.

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3) Lack of contact

Any effort you make in a friendship should be reciprocated. Being the only one making contact or arranging to meet can be very draining. Sometimes, its not even about arranging meets, just sending a message to your friend to check on them can make a difference to their day. When friendships are forced, they lack genuinity. One thing you need to know (if you don’t already) – is that there are people out there forming friendships solely on the basis of gaining and giving nothing in return. Look out for so called friends who get in touch only when they need something. 

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4) Toxicity

Some friendships will help us grow while others won’t. It is a fact of life. Friendships, like relationships do have the ability to become toxic. If you don’t feel secure or happy around your friend, this can be a sign of trouble. Remember that healthy friendships are built around mutual respect, compassion, freedom of thinking, love, sharing and most importantly listening. If your friendship is leaving you drained them its time to cut it.

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5) Losses and Gains – Pree their reactions

Now, it would have been impossible for me to do a friendship post without talking about L’s and G’s, otherwise known as losses and gains. Both play a significant role in allowing us to determine how our friends feel about us really. When you take an L, you should have the support of your friend (100%). They should make sure you are fine and try to reassure you in some way. Women should always support each other. 

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However, on the other hand, if you experience a gain (whether its work, love or any other kind of progression), are your friends genuinely happy for you? Or do they find a way to verbally minimise your achievement(s)? Sometimes, elevation requires isolation and you may find yourself losing a few friends whether you take an L or a G and that’s ok. Thank God for the time they spent in your life and wish them well in all they go on to do.

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I was on Twitter late last year, scrolling my feed and I saw a young woman tweet about her attainment of a new job. She then went on to add that when she informed a close friend about her exciting new opportunity, she was less than happy for her. I found it quite shocking but unfortunately, these are the times that we live in. You will be very surprised at which life events (good or bad) add or remove people from your world.

What are your friendship dealbreakers? I always love to hear from you so feel free to drop a comment below!

Cheers to healthy and lifelong friendships in 2018.

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Thank you for reading and don’t forget to like and subscribe 

Kel xo

 

20 Lessons I’ve Learned As A Single Woman

In this post, I’m going to share all the lessons I have learnt during this period of single-dom. I think that there are so many negative connotations that come with being single but it can actually be (and has proven to be) a very transformational period in a woman’s life. Contrary to what society may think or suggest, choosing to be single or being single for a long time doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or that you’re picky…

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1) The first few months as a single person WILL be challenging (do not listen to anyone who tells you they will not be).

You will cry, you will smile, you will experience a multitude of emotions all at once.

2) Understand that you are embarking on a new journey and you will need to get to know yourself again, no matter how self assured you feel.

3) It really is better to be alone and happy than to be unhappy in a relationship. If you are not happy, walk away.

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4) A relationship should be your safe haven. Any relationship you are in should serve and honour you. If it doesn’t, you need to leave.

5) Don’t be afraid to reevaluate your standards. Know what it is that you want and don’t settle!

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6) Your circle is everything! Surround yourself with people who support and uplift you.

7) You will have times where you will reminisce and wonder if you made a mistake. Don’t beat yourself up when this happens, it’s natural to miss what you once had especially if you were in a long term relationship. Be thankful for the times you spent in your union and the lessons it has taught you.

8) You are single because you are supposed to be. Enjoy this period! Work, smile, eat, have fun, do what makes you happy!

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9) Don’t let the opinions of others influence your choices. Just because you have been single for a while, it doesn’t mean you need someone special in your life. You make decisions that are right for you and no one else.

10) Exes will try and come back into your life. This in inevitable. Stay strong, remind yourself of why you had to leave that particular situation.

11) Comparison is the thief of joy. Run your own race. Things may not seem amazing now but everything is coming together for your good.

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12) Don’t feel like a failure because things didn’t work out. It may be hard to accept but everything happens for a reason. If that’s where you were meant to be, things would have flowed effortlessly.

13) Don’t deny your emotions. If you’re not ok, that’s absolutely fine. We all have moments when we aren’t ourselves. It’s life.

14) Keep your head up, look forward and smile.

15) Don’t settle! Don’t settle! Don’t settle.

16) Affirmations are everything, especially if you are finding it hard to lift your mood. Affirm that you are worthy of love and other positive self talk. Remember that you attract what you magnify.

17) Everyone who shows you attention isn’t worthy of your time.

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18) Your time, energy and space are SO precious. Invest carefully.

19) Treat yourself! Don’t be afraid to treat yourself. Get your hair done, take yourself out to eat, go and watch your favourite film. Do the things you enjoy! Learn how to enjoy your own company.

20) Own this moment in your life. You don’t owe anyone any explanations.

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Over the past year and a half, I have learned so much. I can honestly say that I haven’t taken this period in my life for granted. One thing I would advice single women (and men) to do is have an open mind. You have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. Don’t be afraid of this season. One day, you will look back and you will be grateful for this period in your life.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this post.

For those of you who are struggling to move on from a breakup, I created this thread on Twitter about a year ago which you can view here.

Don’t forget to like, subscribe and tell your friends about my space.

Kel xo