How To Stop Settling For Less In Relationships

Nobody decides to settle on a whim – settling usually happens over a period of time and the desire to settle is usually ignited by feelings such as disbelief, uncertainty and self-doubt but what does it mean ‘to settle’? To settle means to let go of things that are important to who you are and what you believe in. So, if you are neglecting your own personal needs, then you have settled for less than you deserve.

Settling should never be an option and most of the time, we do it subconsciously. It takes a big moment or shift that alerts us to the fact that something isn’t quite right with us. Your confidence may take a hit or you may be second guessing yourself all the time. Everyone has their own point of realisation. In this post, I’m going to be talking about how to stop settling for less than you deserve in relationships. After all, if I’m going to be with someone for the rest of my life then I don’t want to settle.

Here are some tips that I would like to share with you all:

Don’t lower your expectations

A lot of people (not just women, but men too) get into dating or relationship situations and have absolutely no idea what it is they want. They don’t embrace their truth. They think that if they embrace their truth, it will scare off a potential partner. In reality, it is one of the biggest forms of disservice you can do to yourself if/when you decide to start dating again. When it comes to identifying what your needs, wants and expectations are, find a form of expression that works for you. I remember the first time I thought about the qualities that I would like in a potential partner and I listed them in Notes (yes, the IPhone app). Some people journal, some people recite them before they go on dates. Do what you need to do in order to ensure that they are specific, clear and most importantly, reasonable.

If you are struggling with identifying what your needs, wants and expectations are then just don’t date for the time being. Don’t put yourself out there if you have no idea what you are bringing to the table. Personally, I think that a lot of millennials struggle to understand the difference between a want and a need when it comes to romantic relationships and I’ve addressed the topic in this post.

Practice self-love

Single life is a whirlwind. In the minds of many, being single is all about freedom and doing all the things you want to do before you settle down, get married and have children but for others, being single is a complete and utter nightmare. Everybody’s different: when I became single four years ago, it was a huge shock to the system and for the first year, I definitely struggled. I missed being able to share my life with someone but on the other hand, I wouldn’t change the time that I’ve had to myself at all. When you embrace being single, you have the opportunity to really get to know yourself and it isn’t always a bed of roses.

When it comes to settling for less out of a fear of being alone, that’s the moment when you’ve got to check in with yourself. You need to acknowledge whatever it is you’re feeling or thinking. Once you are honest with yourself, the chances that you’ll make a impulsive decision you will later regret are low. It is ok to want a partner/husband and/or children. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship or part of a family unit, but what you need to remember is that these things take time. One of the harsh realities of dating (as a wise person once told me) is that you will meet so many jerks. Unfortunately, is an unavoidable part of the process.

Not everyone will be able to go from a really crappy relationship to the love of their lives. Some of our stories just aren’t written that way, hence why discernment (identifying the good from the bad) is one of the dating skills you need on lock. , try not to question yourself. It’s just the universe’s way of showing you that that person isn’t meant to be in your life. All you can do is keep your head up, keep believing and keep living.

Be yourself!

Being your own 100 percent authentic self and quality of life go hand in hand. When you are trying to be less of you, there’s a certain amount of discomfort that lingers around. It doesn’t matter what you’re like: whether you’re quiet, weird or loud, you’ve got to be yourself. As I approach 30, I’m always checking in with myself to make sure that I’ve been true to who I am. If you’re not used to being 100% authentic, it will feel a little strange once you start to embrace who you are. I love it when I’m out and about and I see people with the most unique dress sense: whether it’s pink hair or a multi-coloured coat or a very interesting hairstyle. People who express themselves freely are admirable. We could learn a thing or two from them.

When you come from a place of in-authenticity, you hurt yourself and anyone you come into contact with. If you feel like to have to be someone else in order to be liked or loved, then I would highly recommend speaking about this issue with someone you trust or a therapist. Those types of behaviours are usually picked up at some point during our lives (mostly childhood), so someone you can trust can help you identify the root of the behavioural trait. On an informal note, does anyone else feel like getting older has really whipped their perception of dating, love and relationships into shape? Defining them on your own terms is liberating: you just have to be strong enough to speak up and work things out (if both parties are willing to do this) or run for your life (if you need to).

If you attract the wrong guys, think about why this may be

If you have a tendency to give the wrong men the time of day and this happens continuously, then you’ve got a bit of work to do. One of the hardest dating and relationship truths to accept is that you are attracted to the wrong type of man. It’s a truth that kept me out of the dating game for almost two years (yes, I am back in it now) and at the time, I was wallowing in my own self-pity, feeling like I’d been cursed. We all attract good men and we all attract men that may not be so great for us. This is where your expectations and requirements come into play. Here’s an analogy from Natalie Lue, who writes at Baggage Reclaim. She says that when it comes to dating, you need to think of yourself as a recruiter. Now, a recruiter wants the best candidate for the job, regardless of how many people they interview. The recruiter will ask questions and they may also assess your suitability for the position. Although things may seem like a done deal during this process, you won’t know what to expect until you’ve actually started the job.

My thoughts on settling for less in a relationship…

So to sum it up, once you’ve decided to date or get into a relationship with someone, you are in effect assessing your compatibility levels. You don’t decide to be with someone and become oblivious to what is happening, especially if what is happening is a possible cause for concern. Check in with yourself and whoever you’re with or talking to. If something doesn’t feel right, ALWAYS address it. Some men tend to have a soft spot for Miss Compliant: she’s the kind of woman who’s just there; if she has an issue, she never brings it up. Emotionally unavailable men love Miss Compliant (they could date her, marry her, even have kids with her) because she makes it possible for the man she’s with to be in control. The relationship is on his terms and according to him, she loves it and wouldn’t even think about saying a thing…

Be very weary of men whose behaviour changes as soon as you decide to discuss an issue that’s impacting your interactions, especially in the developmental stages of your relationship. A man who throws his toys out of the pram when a valid issue concerning your relationship is discussed isn’t worthy of your time. These are the men who will use vile passive aggressive behavioural tactics to make you feel like you’ve done something wrong. You haven’t. Let him go. It really isn’t worth it. If you’re not expressing yourself, then you are holding things in and we all know how that eventually ends.

Have fun

I love this concept because it’s a lot more exciting than the standardised clichés such as ‘focus on yourself’ or ‘the right person will pop up when you least expect it’. The truth is that you don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to fall in love. The people who wake up every morning to follow their passions and their dreams are in love with what they do. Think about your loves – what are your loves? Hold fast to them. Life will take you to so many places if you just allow yourself to always be in love. My loves are blogging, writing, leaving the country (believe I’m struggling right now), going to museums, playing with makeup, going to beauty and skincare events. I have quite a few loves and they may change over time and that’s ok. Life should be about enjoying yourself, regardless of your relationship status. The key to finding your passions is thinking about what your strengths are. Don’t be that person who wants to be good at everything, it will stress you out. Think about what makes you happy, what brings you closer to your purpose. It doesn’t matter what it is, just claim it, embrace it and see where it takes you.

 

Do you have any tips on how to stop settling for less? Was there a time in your life when you settled for less than you deserve?  What did you do?

Thanks for reading this post. I know it was a long one. Do leave a comment below and let me know what you thought of the post xo