Are Books About Dating Still Relevant?

Some of the most popular books about dating are The Rules, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, How To Get The Guy and He’s Just Not That Into You.

Over the past decade, dating and relationships have been portrayed in a whole new light thanks to books, movies, reality TV shows, TV series, influencers and so on.

I wanted to provide you all with two different perspectives, so this post is a collaboration between myself and Tinuke, who is a blogger and podcaster. Tinuke thinks dating books are still relevant, so she’ll be putting her point across. However, I think that the relevance of dating books should come under just a little bit of scrutiny, so I’ll be putting my point across as well. Do let me know your thoughts in the comments.

Tinuke – Books about dating are still relevant

Dating books are still popular

Society has experienced a big shift in recent years concerning dating and relationship advice. A lot of it is now accessible online, so it’s only natural that dating books may not be deemed as relevant as they once were. Blogs and YouTube channels have become peoples go-to’s for receiving information and advice, but does this mean that nobody will ever refer to a dating book again? Definitely not! In my opinion, dating and relationship books are still relevant and always will be – even though some of the most iconic ones were written decades ago.

One of my favourite books, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.” is almost 30 years old! Although I read the book almost 15 years after it was released, I believe it can still be applied in these times. This book gave me the ability to identify not just my love language but also my partners, and the people around me. Before I purchased the book, my biggest concern was whether the advice in it would be outdated. However, I still proceeded to buy it and since then I have not looked back.

A lot of dating and relationship issues remain the same

As much as we like to believe times have changed, a lot of dating and relationship issues remain the same. In my opinion, these are not new experiences, it’s just the way we approach and deal with them that has changed. So, I do think it is safe to say that the practices in many dating books can still be implemented in our relationships and lives. When we go through things, we often think our situation is unique and we are alone. Many have been there, done it or are going through it now and will go through it in the future.

The 5 Love Languages is one of the best books about dating

I touched on the 5 love languages book specifically as it’s a favourite of mine and it also highlighted the relevance of dating books. I read many articles about ‘love languages’ before purchasing the book and tried to understand in depth what they entailed, but I found it impossible to do so till I read the book in its entirety. Although blogs and video content do their best to unpack these practices, there is something about reading a book, referring to anything that may have appealed to you and gaining a complete understanding of the subject in question. Books tend to not only share the concept but also offer a theoretical approach which can break things down even further.

You don’t have to do every thing a dating book tells you to do

A counter-argument I have heard and read about regarding dating books is the fact that all relationships are different, so therefore it’s not a one size fits all. I completely agree with this. It’s not everything you read that you must follow. This is one of the problems I find with this generation. We read the advice and almost take it as gospel without doing our due diligence such as thinking critically. I find this is often done on social networking sites like Twitter for example. When an influencer or public figure says something – many take it literally and begin to live by those words/thoughts.

Buy books about dating you can actually learn from

Before you buy a dating book, I’d definitely recommend doing some research. There are a lot of books you can learn from while others are slightly questionable, so knowing what you want from a dating book will help you choose the one that’s right for you. Most of the dating and relationship books I read are not just written from the author’s experience but also the experiences of those around them and experts in that field. Anyone can write a book or a piece of content for that matter. It’s up to you to take what you need from it and apply it to your own life as you see fit.

I’d also recommend reading reviews and testimonies when you are looking for a dating book as this can be a big help. Many people talk about what they were going through at the time and how the particular book helped them get through it.

Dating books are still accessible and they are still credited as one of the ways you can learn how to effectively navigate in a dating or relationship situation, so I think it’s important for our generation to know that there are no limitations on how you acquire knowledge. It’s what you do with what you know that counts.

Kelle – Books about dating are not relevant

Books about dating are outdated

I believe that the relevance of dating and relationship books should be questioned, especially in these challenging and unprecedented times. Something we need to think about is the fact that a lot of these books were released during a time when dating wasn’t as much of an extreme sport as it is now. Men and women knew what they wanted and weren’t afraid to go after it. Look at some of our parents, uncles and aunts, family friends etc who’ve been married for 20+ years and are doing great. Of course, no relationship comes without the odd trying time, but strong foundations have contributed to the success of these unions. To add, I don’t think it’s likely that any of our elders (anyone who is significantly older than us, not the elderly) even needed dating books because they knew what they wanted and they were committed to making their relationships stand the test of time. In order to embrace this type of mindset, a strong sense of self-awareness and self-identity is key.

They don’t promote self-awareness

The majority of dating books don’t encourage readers to be self aware or get to know themselves better. The authors have blindly succumbed to the idea that every individual who picks up a copy of their book is ready to ‘get out there’ and this isn’t always the case. As someone who has dated in recent years, I can confidently say that there are a lot of men who should not be on dating sites giving women the impression that they are ready to build a connection (I appreciate that some men may feel the same way about women). Some men either don’t have clear intentions or haven’t healed or addressed issues from previous relationships. Also, the conditioning of men is a big problem in our society. A lot of them have been trained to believe that they are the prize.

As a result, self-awareness and self- identity will immediately go out the window.

Men and women should be encouraged to look within before entering the dating world, which is something a lot of dating books don’t promote.

They require too much from women

Another problem I think dating books have is the fact that they are instruction heavy. This can be extremely overwhelming for people who find dating difficult. In order to date intentionally, you have to be present because you are taking the time to get to know someone and determine if things are going to progress or not. A lot of people don’t date with presence in mind because they become so enamoured with what the person they are dating says or does, that what they desire becomes an afterthought, and that’s dangerous. Some of the instructions in dating books can inhibit a person’s ability to be their true authentic self. Think about it. Why Men Love Bitches tells us to be meaner to the men we want, while Rule #5 in The Rules tells us not to call a man or return his calls according to this article. Can you imagine being so determined to live out your dating life according to what it says in a book that you end up tampering with your chances of finding a good partner?

Well, in this social media age, some women don’t have the self-awareness to think about what to take (in terms of advice) and what to push to one side. In my opinion, I think communication has to be reciprocal in order to maintain and build a connection because dating isn’t about you and page 59 of your rule book. It’s about what is happening in this present moment, which is what you need to pay attention to.

Too many solutions, not enough realism

Lastly, some dating books have a problem-solution type format. As a 30 year old woman who grew up in the U.K, I’m part of the teen generation that read magazines a lot. Bliss, Sugar, More!, you name it! The one thing that these publications had in common was telling girls what they needed to do to get the guy they liked to notice them. So, as far as they were concerned, every single doubt you had about approaching the cute guy in your History class would vanish if you followed the step-by-step guide on page 18.

Although there’s been a new wave of dating books and dating experts (both reflect the times we live in), many people are referring to the classics. The classic dating books with the instructions, the step-by-step guides, the makeover tips. These books aren’t preparing people for the actualities of dating in this modern age.

Books about dating need to focus more on looking within

Dating isn’t transactional, especially when you think about the fact that entitled men are increasing tenfold (it’s scary, but true). It really is about being present and discerning. Decentering yourself to focus on the good, the not-so-good as well as the concerns (if any) you can’t overlook. If the state of the dating world is going to improve anytime soon, then experts/writers/professionals have to work on encouraging people to work on their self-intelligence/awareness and emotional intelligence. This way, women will be encouraged to prioritise their needs, and not push them to one side so that they can accommodate someone else’s. Will a dating book help women achieve all of the above? I’m not so sure.