Here Are The Things I’d Tell Anyone About Turning 30

On Saturday, June 20, I will turn 30.

Life is a process, and what it has taught me over the past ten years is that there’s no manual every person must follow in order to ‘succeed’ at life. Life is what you make it.

I’d been dwelling on this post for some time: thinking about what I was going to share with you all. In this present moment, I am fully embracing the new decade that lies ahead. This will be different to any other birthday I have had, due to quarantine, but I still feel blessed.

At the start of the year, I wanted January to come to a standstill, because I wasn’t really happy about turning 30 this year. In our society, there is so much pressure on women to have it all by the time they reach a certain age. Social narratives can really take the joy away from what should be a great moment in your life. A lot of us will remember where we were and what we did when we celebrated birthday milestones (18, 21, 25 etc). Here are the things I’d tell anyone about turning 30:

Be your true and authentic self

The second half of my 20’s taught me about what it means to be your true and authentic self. Authenticity is so important, especially in a world that is constantly telling us to be someone or something that we are not. It will take time. Learn to embrace what is different about you and own it. Can you imagine how boring life would be if we all acted the same, spoke the same, dressed the same?

Start small. Some of you may have been conditioned to believe that who you were was not ok (this doesn’t just happen in childhood, but in adulthood as well). Learning how to be yourself may involve revamping your wardrobe, dying your hair, lending your time and voice to a movement you are passionate about. You don’t need to undergo a major overhaul to be your true self. Something to remember is that it’s a gradual process, so be patient with yourself.

Let go of the people who don’t treat you right

Your 20’s go by so quickly. When I turned 20, I was one year into a Business Management degree at the University of Greenwich and I was working as a Sales Assistant in Westfield White City. Education and work were going great, but I was in a terrible relationship. The person I was with didn’t treat me well at all. I remember leaving his home one afternoon, calling a friend, and just crying my eyes out. In that moment, words failed me. Thinking about it now, I can’t believe that I had a great job, a great uni life and I was allowing myself to be treated so poorly. To anyone who is entering their 20’s or going to their mid-20’s, value your time.

The reason why I’ve taken an analogical approach to this point is because money plays a significant role in all of our lives: it’s a necessity. Even before we have been paid, we know exactly what we need to budget for. You don’t get paid and spend your entire paycheck without a care in the world. Like money, your time and your energy are two of the most valuable resources you have. Use them wisely. Anyone or anything that makes you feel like you are unworthy isn’t worth your time. You can put your energy into things that will reap positive rewards for you financially, emotionally, and physically. Settling for less has never been the way forward. Think about what you are giving your time and energy to. Check in with yourself, and don’t be afraid to eliminate anything or anyone that no longer serves or honours you.

Be open to change. You haven’t failed if something doesn’t go to plan

When I think about failure, I’m reminded of the term ‘hard pill to swallow’? Well, failure is a ‘hard pill to swallow’ – but it happens to us all. Living in a social media age is doing us more harm than good. What people show you online is their highlight reel. A lot of people aren’t vulnerable enough to broadcast their failures. Therefore, the people who do are admired. Online revelations that most of us can relate to has become a source of virtual liberation. It’s strange because we all know that there is no such thing as perfection in this life.

Life taking a different path was a pill I had to swallow because the entire concept was alien to me. Hard times always felt like an attack. As far as I was concerned, everyone had a perfect life and the universe seemed to love making me suffer. In August 2018, I came back from Venice to discover that I had no job. It took me three months to find the job that I have now, which I am very grateful for. During those three months, I decided to go to therapy. When I told my therapist about everything that had happened, she said ‘life is full of ups and downs, just like a hill’. I will never forget this, as simple as it was, because she was right.

From the age of 24 to 27/8, I had gone through some major shifts in my life, and I felt so ashamed. I felt like I couldn’t stick to anything, when the fact of the matter was that I just hadn’t found my purpose/calling yet. If you haven’t found your purpose, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Stay persistent, be open to learning new things (broaden your horizons) and have a strong understanding of your strengths as a person.

Let go of society’s expectations (especially as 30 approaches)

This is another societal pressure that is the cause of extreme stress and suffering for many. If you haven’t achieved what you thought you would by a certain age, it’s ok. You are using what you have to do what you can. Some of us will have it all figured out in our 20’s, while others will not. Don’t get caught up with comparing yourself to others. Run your own race and stay in your lane. You do not know what another person had to do to get what they have. Of course, this isn’t always the case, but envy is such an unproductive emotion.

Another reason why I think women especially feel pressured by deadlines and timelines is because of the ‘unsolicited advice givers’ that show up in our lives. People who give advice usually mean well, but you are under no obligation to take their advice. When a person gives advice, they are projecting their own thought process and experiences onto you. Only you can speak for you. If you are tired of being compared to other people and you feel to respond (who wouldn’t be?), simply say with ‘I’m glad things worked out for them in that way’.

Don’t obsess over love. It will find you when the time is right.

As you start to form your own identity and become more confident, you will get attention from men. However, you don’t need to entertain everyone who shows interest in you. It can be hard in your 20’s to have a romantic relationship, especially when people around you are ‘boo’d up’. Don’t read too much into it. I don’t think any woman in her 20’s, 30’s, any age should question their desirability. The person who likes and loves you for who you are is worth the wait.

We have all wondered if we were enough at some point during our lives, but I want to tell you all that you are. You are always enough. I wish I spent the first half of my 20’s travelling the world, enjoying experiences, nurturing my friendships, spending more time with my family etc, than being pressed about men. Also, stop forcing relationships. Like ponytails, don’t force them. Let love find you. In most cases, looking for love or a relationship with anyone = disaster.

If you do happen to find a lasting love in your 20’s, that is amazing, but don’t let your relationship strip you of your magic. Always check in, make sure you are happy and most importantly, that you and your partner are compatible. You can read about what it means to be compatible with a potential or existing partner here.

Cultivate healthy personal relationships 

Personal relationships aren’t just romantic ones. Over the past few years, I think that women have been openly encouraged to evaluate their friendships. When I wrote a blog post about friendship eight months ago, I was far from the perfect friend. Even now, there are moments where I still don’t get it right. I’m sure some of you can relate. I knew which qualities were important to me in relation to friendship, and I try my best to embody those qualities as well. As with relationships, when it comes to friendships, you have to set the tone for how you want them to be.

When you pay attention to your personal relationships, you will also learn more about setting boundaries. I only learned about boundaries and their importance in my late 20’s. Take some time to understand what healthy boundaries are and how you can adopt them. When you don’t have boundaries, you will spend a lot of time allowing others to tell you how to think, act or feel. You may also spend your time and energy doing what others want you to do. Learn how to take responsibility for your own actions, while not taking responsibility for the actions of others.

Always trust your instinct 

One of the ways I did myself a disservice in my 20’s was by failing to trust my gut. When your gut talks, you listen. We all know when something isn’t quite right. Some of us either find a way to act on what we know, or we completely ignore what our intuition is telling us and give in. The latter causes so much destruction. I’ve been in situations where the signs have been as clear as day, but I chose to defy all of that because I thought I was above what my inner guide was trying to warn me about.

Your gut usually weighs out the pros and cons of a healthy/unhealthy situation, this is dependent on what may be happening because circumstances do differ. Here are two simple steps you can take to trust your gut instinct:

• Clear your mind
• Pay attention to how you feel

Stop being so concerned about what people think of you 

This is a skill I’m still trying to master, at 30! I’d love to learn from someone who has a PhD in giving zero f***s. The feeling of liberation must be on a whole other level. We live in a world where giving an opinion on everything and everyone has become the norm: regardless of whether they are helpful or harmful.

What I’ve learned so far is that taking pride in who you are does help a great deal. Even if you are not the most confident person in the world, just fake it until you make it. Secondly, try not to judge others so much. Judging people defines who you are. If you find yourself about to judge someone, always be open to changing or challenging your perspective before you start engaging in toxic speech.

For me, I was able to identify why I judged people so much and it was because I grew up in an environment where I was constantly judged and I heard other people being judged as well. It all came from one person. So, I recommend thinking about the relationship you have with being judged and overly critiqued. It may be a trait that you need to address and work on  in the same way I did.

Learn about your personality type and attachment style

The day I found out what my personality style was, everything made sense. I was able to understand myself a lot better than before. The earlier you know your personality type, the better. I always knew that I was kind of introverted, so being an INFJ came as no surprise. I can be extroverted too, but only with people I feel comfortable around. The test I took is from 16Personalities – here is the link  – if you do take it, let me know what your result is.

Moving onto attachment styles, I do talk about this in my advice for fatherless daughters blog post. Your attachment styles play a significant role in the types of relationships you go on to have – personal, romantic etc. There are many types of attachment style, but they all fall into two categories: secure and insecure. An insecure attachment style is a cause for concern, but you can address the reasons why and work towards adopting a more secure attachment style. I am planning to address my own attachment style on the blog soon. Here is a test you can take if you are unsure of your attachment style.

Prioritise your peace

A lesson I wish I had learned a lot sooner in my 20’s was to not put up with anyone or anything that didn’t bring me peace, honour or joy. To anyone who is about to turn 20 or is in their 20’s, don’t stand for any disrespect towards you. The world is a great place, but you will come across people who will be nothing but horrible to you. This isn’t your fault. Some people love to take kindness for weakness while others simply take pride in their destructive ways. Either way, when someone steps out of line with you, do something. It can be so debilitating to be on the receiving end of hate, but always remember that you are loved.

Speaking up will help you to heal from your experience, and if something similar happens to you again, you’ll be better equipped to deal with it. If someone is treating you like s*** (it doesn’t matter who it is), tell someone. Don’t bottle up negative emotions because they manifest, and you will lose control of your outlet. A lot of people cry when they eventually open up about a bad experience, and that’s a result of the pain, the trauma that they’ve kept inside for so long. Protect your inner peace at all costs. If someone close to home is the cause of your pain and sadness, remember that it is possible to love someone from a distance. Do not feel bad about doing what you need to do in order to be ok.

This was an incredibly lengthy post, so thank you for staying with me. I hope you enjoyed reading it xo

What advice would you give to anyone about turning 30?