Breakups are hard. It doesn’t matter how long ago a relationship may have ended but moving on from someone isn’t as simple as it may seem. We’ve all been there; we’ve all struggled to get over someone we thought that we would never have to live without. When it comes to breakups and their aftermath, the most important thing anyone can do is focus on healing. Some people don’t prioritize the healing process and repeat some of the mistakes that they made in previous relationships. A wise person once said ‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results’. The cliched advice may work for a short period but in my opinion, it doesn’t really bear much substance in society.
Something that is definitely harder than a breakup is a divorce. Moving on from someone you thought you would spend the rest of your life with is tough. Luckily, peters and may specialize in family law. They can ensure that you make the right decisions that will not only help you in the present, but in the future.
As someone who took close to a year and a half to get over their ex, I’m going to share a few post breakup gems with you. Getting over someone and moving on with your life doesn’t have to be as complex as you think. As always, I’m no expert. All I do is come from a place of experience (and knowledge), so I hope this post helps those of you who are embarking on a new chapter in your lives:
Accepting what has happened is one of the most important paths on the journey to healing. Regardless of who has ended the relationship, denial on one or both parts will creep in from time to time, but acceptance will set you free. If you had a valid reason for ending your relationship, acceptance will come sooner rather than later. I’m a big believer in everything happening for a reason. If you weren’t meant to make such a difficult decision, then you never would have contemplated it in the first place. In previous posts, I have talked about how ending my relationship was one of the hardest decisions I had to make in recent years. I say this because ending a relationship isn’t something to be taken lightly. From an analogical perspective, it’s almost like a review: you think about where you’ve been, where you’re going and where you want to be and not just in life but in terms of your emotional wellbeing too. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, if you’ve decided that you don’t want to be in a relationship anymore, you owe it to yourself to make peace with your decision. If something no longer serves or honours you, then you have the right to walk away with your head held high.
Allowing yourself to feel certain emotions is also key. I’ve gone through a few breakups and denying your emotions is a definite recipe for disaster. Bottling up your emotions is toxic; you will be doing yourself a huge disservice by doing this. What happens when you hold things in is that eventually something else comes up and before you know it; you’re experiencing a whirlwind of emotions, emotions so intense that you find it hard to function. This may sound familiar to some of you. The biggest point of deception as far as emotions are concerned is listening to others. Someone is always willing to jump in with a piece of unsolicited advice on how you should cope from the beginning to middle and end of your transition. You have to own and take accountability for this part of the process. Nobody knows how you are feeling apart from you. Now, I’m not saying family and friends shouldn’t be listened to at all, but your priority has got to be checking in with yourself. Pay no mind to people who say ‘Oh, it’s been three months, you should be over it by now, where’s your new man?’ No, this is the kind of unwarranted speech that will do you no favours. Don’t let people project their own expectations onto you. Think for yourself, check in with yourself and take care of yourself.
Refusing to give into clichés can help the healing process. Redefining what moving on means to you will help make things a little easier. Getting over someone takes time and the stages a person tends to go through post break up shouldn’t be undermined: there’ll be days when you feel happy, sad, confused, irritated. You’ll experience it all. Everyone is different so one or two clichéd things may help but don’t rely on them entirely. Clichés can be a distraction from focusing on the real issues at hand. Reflecting after a breakup is essential so that you don’t make the same mistakes you made before. After a breakup, I was that person who never reflected because I was under the impression that I had no imperfections, which is of course, a huge lie. We are all flawed in our own ways. Self-care is just as much about what you do on the inside as it is about what you do on the outside. Something else to consider is that addressing certain issues you feel you may have doesn’t take 3-5 working days. Unlearning behaviours are full of complexities and you won’t always get it right, but as long as you are willing to do the work, the change will come.
Talk it out because no good ever came from suffering in silence. It breaks my heart to see people going through something as life altering as a breakup and not saying anything. Yes, we are all different and sometimes, you do need some time to yourself to come to terms with what has happened. Once that’s passed, I highly recommend talking to someone you trust: whether it’s a family member, a friend or a professional. All you really need is a safe space where you can be yourself and just vent. For some, venting comes naturally in the pages of a journal or maybe you’ll open up to a therapist. There isn’t a guide for how you choose to talk things out, it’s just important that you do. Also, be mindful of who you are talking to. You want to speak to people who will make you feel better and not worse. You do not deserve to be on the receiving end of someone telling you ‘well, you made the wrong decision anyway’. Such talk is negative and extremely unhelpful, so talk to the right people.
Finding your purpose is one of the most significant parts of the journey. Your purpose allows you to stay true to who you are and to live a life that’s true to your core values. In order to stay true to yourself, you need to know who you are. One of my biggest relationship fails was being with someone when I didn’t know who I was. Your ‘who’ and ‘why’ always matter. Your relationships will become more positive and you’ll live with more clarity. Once you’re secure in who you are, you won’t be as willing to entertain situations or people that undermine your perception of yourself. That’s self-worth 101: checking in and living your best life. The late socialite Gloria Vanderbilt said ‘I’m always in love. If it’s not with a man, it’s something else. I love beauty. I love the sky I see outside the window. There’s so much beauty in the world. The moral of that quote is to always be in love. The past few years have taught me about the value of having things to call my own: like this blog, other articles I’ve written, the work I’ve done, the holidays I’ve taken etc. When it comes to life, there’s always something to fall in love with, it doesn’t always have to be a person.
Thanks for reading this post; I hope you all enjoyed it. If you know anyone who is going through a breakup, then do share this post with them. As always, I enjoy hearing from you all, so what would you say is the biggest lesson a breakup has taught you?
You can find more of my blog posts about relationships here.
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